Chaos & Order – Intro into our lives

wallpaper_chaos_theory

Overview of our lives.

Why am I doing this? I feel lost and alone. There is so much I am still not strong enough to tell my friends and family. This way, I can still get it out, in my own way.

“In the quest for the answers of life, we tend to make order out of chaos, and chaos out of order.”

-Jeffrey Fry

My escape plan is almost complete…. And I am falling apart inside

My husband is bipolar and an addict…  How did I ever fall in love with this man? Honestly, I have no idea, but I do know that I still love him. I don’t know if I am in love with him, but I do love him. I care deeply about him, not just because he is the father of my child, but because I can still see a good person trapped deep down inside.

e4b034141f0576afaccb29611a826219

Start with Chaos…

My childhood was a disaster. My father was an abusive alcoholic and my mother was a verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive narcissistic. My brother was kicked out at 16 years old and became an addict and dealer. No one ever realized what the landlords (whom my parents let babysit me) did to me when I was a child. Even I don’t know most of it. I have blocked out most of my childhood.

My father stopped drinking when I was around 7, I think. But I grew up in poverty. My brother bought most of my clothes and I ate whatever I was given. My mom never really changed. The abuse from my mother kept on going and going till I became suicidal at 16.

I ran away and moved in with my brother, his addict/narcissistic wife, and their kids.  For a while, I thought things were better. But they were not. No one taught me how to drive. I was stuck at their house cleaning and taking care of their kids while they drank, did drugs, gambled, and partied.

Eventually, we lost our home in Nevada. Moved back to California with her family. I had never really been allowed to socialize. I knew nothing about the real world. I was foolish and naïve. So when I feel for a much older man at 20, and she was sleeping with him, I told on her. She kicked me out and I was homeless. They had already taken all my money. I had nothing at all. All I was allowed to take was a bag of clothes.

I’ll never forget the pain of losing my kids. I may not have given birth to them or financially supported them, but I raised them. They cried just as much as I did that day. That was the day I started shutting people out of my life. I could never go thru that pain again.

Note: As adults, we tend to find relationships that resembles those of our childhoods. Not because we want to live in pain, but because it’s what we know and understand.

 

Order out of Chaos

The older man I had been with took me to his sisters house after I was kicked out. His sister had just had a baby and was acting crazy. They needed someone to keep an eye on her and the kids. In exchange, I got to sleep on the couch and food.

She thought she was talking to the devil and that they all needed to die. I would wake up sometimes and realized they weren’t in the house. I would find her walking in the middle of the night without clothes or shoes on with the kids on her way to so something horrible. Eventually, I felt I was going crazy to. I took her to the hospital and told them everything. She had post partum depression. She got on meds and got better. But I was no longer needed.

I didn’t want to go back to my parents. So I chose to stay homeless. I knew nothing about the real world at this point, but I learned fast.

At this point, my dad was better and he really cared about me. He paid for the first month of a room I rented. I was lucky and I got a job within 2 weeks. Within a year, I got a better job and moved to another room. The woman I had been staying with expected me to pay for her house bills and food by myself. I knew nothing about the real world at this point, but I new this wasn’t right. I had no money left for myself.

From that room, I moved to a studio to get away from her. Then I rented a house with a friend. That didn’t work out. So I moved back out on my own into an apartment. I got promoted to an Assistant Bank Manager. My life was the best it had ever been, but I was still damaged. I was chronically depressed. I attempted sluice multiple times. In May of 2013, it was so bad I was in a coma for a week. I quit my job at the bank and completely changed career. That was the wrong choices, by the way.

In close to 8 years, I went from homeless and naïve about the world, to living on my own and depending on NO ONE. I never dated for long. I never let anyone close to me, not until my husband.  Little did I know that those 8 years were the better part of my life.

Love is chaos and I fell deep in it.

 

Chaos out of Order

After my coma, I hit the worst depression of my life. I could remember where I was and it was HEAVEN! I wanted to go back! I didn’t want to be alive at all! For me that place I went to when I was in a coma was home and I needed to go back! But I couldn’t.

Surviving a suicide attempt is worse than attempting it. Everyone treated me like dirt, even the people at the mental hospital I was put into. Almost all of my friends abandoned me. I had no one and nothing left. But I tried to live since I was stuck alive.

I took my meds and did therapy. Turns out I have PTSD as well as depression. It took me months to be able to leave my house for anything other than my doctors’ appointments. And I was getting lonely. I had no one. So I started chatting with people online.

I met this amazing guy online. He was GEOURGOUS! He was also funny and nice. I told him I wasn’t ready to date. So we would message me funny pictures every morning. When he got a job, we talked less and less and I missed him. So I finally pushed myself and I went out with him.

I should have known to run away immediately. We were at the movies and he ran out 6 times in less than 30 minutes. Turns out he was leaving to buy beers and was completely wasted. We just left the movie everntually. We left and just hung out at my house for a few hours. Then, we did something crazy, I told him to get a tattoo. His first one.

It didn’t take long for me to learn he was in rehab and had a major drinking problem. He was also on probation and would end up in Prison if he got caught drinking. His crime, he almost killed his ex-girlfriend and mother of his 2 kids while they were both on meth on Christmas. Yes, that was a big warning sign, but I thought, “hey, my dad got clean and stopped all the violence, so can he!”

Everything was different with him. But even though he was drink and crazy, he was fun and nice. Within months, he moved in with me. I met his family and they LOVED ME! We had adventures all the time. Hikes, swimming, best sex of my life, traveling, new foods we both go to try… life was amazing! But it was also chaotic all the time.

Eventually, his drinking was out of control and he ended up getting caught over and over again. They gave him chance and chance again. After almost a year, they finally realized he wouldn’t stop and he was put in prison for drinking for 1.5 years. We somehow got closer while he was gone. I had fallen in love with him.  I knew the man he could be. But that man never came back.

After the got out of prison, he came out a much-changed man. He had never hurt me before.  He never took anything out on me. He was never angry at me. But when he came back, all those things changed. Prison had broken him. The drinking got out of control. Within a few months of him getting out, I attempted suicide to get away from him after hours of crying while he mentally and emotionally abused me. Yes, I did scream for help. No one called the cops. He had smashed my phone. He had hidden my laptop. He had ripped out all the wires from the walls. And he sat on top of me while all this went on.

After hours of torture, I convinced him to let me use the bathroom and I tried to take my own life to get away. I was hospitalized, and everything had changed. I was going to leave, but I got pregnant a few weeks after the attempt. Before you say anything, I didn’t want to be touched by ANYONE! That is all I will say about that for now. I am NOT ready to talk about it.

Things just kept getting worse and worse. While in Orogen on a trip, he thru the baby’s things out the window on the highway to hurt me. I called the cops immediately. They took him to the near by town and left him there. He had nothing on him, not even money. I picked him up an hour later and took him home (to California). After that, life became an uncontrollable roller coaster.

Right before my daughter turned 1, I started the restraining order processed. But he moved out the day before it got sent in, so I cancelled it. A month later, he was hospitalized and diagnosed as bipolar. It all finally made sense!!! All the abuse (physical, mental, and sexual) and trauma he went thru triggered his bipolar disorder when he was a teen. And after prison, he got worse. More trauma escalated his bipolar disorder to rapid-cycles.

He had ruined every relationship with every family member he had. He was homeless, so I let him come back with restrictions. No drugs or drinking. If he became abusive, he would need to leave immediately. He had 4 weeks to find a job and move into a sober living on his own and we would talk about getting back together in a year if he got better.

He broke every rule along with a lot of my things. He does what he wants. He may not hit me, but I go thru every other kind of abuse. And now my daughter is 1.5 years old. When he gets crazy, she can’t sleep well and cries unless I am next to her. She sees all of this and is starting to think it’s normal… he things it’s ok for men to treat women this way.

I was angry when I found out he had 8 marijuana plants at the and proudly took them out to display them in the kitchen 2 weeks ago. I thought he only had 2. And he started drinking. So I tried to kill his plants with bleach. His revenge… The TV punched thru. The room and OUR daughter sleep in was dowsed with bleach. Out blankets, towels, pillow cases, and clothes dowsed with bleach. The fumes where so bad it could have given our daughter a respiratory infection. I realized our safety was in danger now.

 

Order out of Chaos

That was the last straw! I love my daughter more than anything and anyone in the world. When I found out I was pregnant, my life changed. She is my world and I would do anything for her. She gave me true happiness and love. She is the reason I live and she deserves better.

I am not the mother she deserves. I hide in fear all the time. I walk on eggshells all day every day. I am not protecting her from pain and fear and trauma. And I need to start to be the mother she needs. So we are leaving.

I can’t afford rent in the bay area, but I have enough to split rent with my brother for 4-5 months while I find a job in Nevada. I will quit my job and we will leave.

Honestly, I am truly terrified. She loves her daddy, but we aren’t safe with him. I am quitting my job, and I have never been without a job. I am moving to an area where I have no friends. I can’t risk staying there and having something happening to her. I can’t afford for her father to go into a manic rage where he will hurt me, leave her without a mother, or even hurt her.

I am scared that he will be homeless again. That no one will help him. But I can’t let this go on, no matter how much I may still love him. I can’t risk it. He refuses to get treatment for his bipolar disorder and without treatment, things will not get better. So far, it’s only gotten worse.

That doesn’t make this any easier. I feel guilt and heartache that I am about to leave him. I wish I could change things. That I could fix him. But no one can fix him. No one can make him get help. I’ve learned that the hard way.

Still, I find myself crying at odd moments. I’ll feel hopeful one minute, the next, I’m crying. I’ll be relived sometimes, and filled with fear the next. I have no idea what’s going to happen next, but things can’t stay the same.

It’s time to move on and put our lives in order, for her. She deserves a good life and I will give it to her. It may not be perfect, but it will be safe and happy. I don’t know how I’ll do it, but I will find away.

a31b31893604451706bf62511baff86b--baby-quotes-good-quotes

I just need to keep myself motivated to keep moving forward. My brother said he got the apartment. As soon as he had the lease signed and the keys, I will put in my notice.

Wish us luck.

 

Advertisements